How could she think such a thing...   She doesn't know a thing about me and assumes that I would do such a thing to Mr. Sakurazaki...

I didn't know what else to do.  Passion didn't seem to work on him.  Trying to reason with him didn't seem to work either.  Was I supposed to stand by while people got him a prostitute?  Was I supposed to wait until he started thinking to use his unique powers to get a woman to bed with him?  WHAT THE HELL WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO?????

He's special to me...  I...I liked him the moment I saw him trying to meet with us for the first time.  I wanted so desperately to talk to him that I pressed Nathaniel to try and find him.  It wasn't fair that others were being so prejudiced against him.  My gut told me he was a good person, worth helping.  Even in seeing this side of him, I still believe that he is a good person...  Wasn't Dr. Jekyll still a good person too?

His po...  It's not nearly as bad as the beast of our kind.  Whenever our beast creeps out, it leads to physical violence or murder.  His po was only moved to seek out what was being forced onto him because she kept joking around about sex.  Suddenly he was craving it...

What could I do?  I tried using Passion on him and talking to him to calm him down, but it didn't seem to work.  My immediate thought was, "We need to leave the area now!!"  I thought maybe if I got him alone, I could calm him down somehow.  She claimed to want to help.  I just wanted to get him out of the gathering and then figure out something, where we could be safe and away from prying eyes.  I didn't stop her from coming along because she seemed sincere when she said she was worried for me.  She even told us of a hotel we could go to.  So I went along with that.  Mr. Sakurazaki drove us willingly, since he...his po believed he would be getting what he wanted.  He would have fought otherwise.....he might have used his powers.....

I didn't want him to be with anyone else....even the thought that such had happened would have broken me....  I didn't know what to do.  I knew that it wasn't the best idea to give myself to him, especially since I would have preferred it under far better circumstances.  But I didn't know how to bring his good side back.  I didn't know how to calm him down...  So I just offered myself.  I told him I'd do whatever it took to calm him down, that I was willing to do anything for him...

Somehow...that worked...

I told him that I was sorry that I failed to protect him.  He tried to ease my mind by saying it wasn't my fault. 

Why....why would she conclude later then that I tried to take advantage of him?  I would never, ever, EVER do such a thing!  I've never even had sex in the first place!  Why would she say such a horrible thing??

She's the one always doing random sexual related things...   Since day one, she got naked and wrestled in pudding in front of those who were at Bartholomew Giovanni's hosted event.  She's used her powers on whomever she doesn't like, with that list growing every day.  She throws herself all over Adam whenever they're next to each other.  And yet she has the nerve to accuse me of trying to rape Mr. Sakurazaki???

What's worse....  Nathaniel tried to mediate between us before the night's end.  He thought we should make up with each other, she and I.  I don't know what he expected me to say.  My wrongs were with Mr. Sakurazaki, not her...  She thought she was right in her judgment of me, so she wasn't going to apologize for that...  So we just looked at each other in silence, until Nathaniel barked at us in anger to leave.

Nathaniel...my only real friend here in Los Angeles...  It hurt so much to hear him get mad like that at me...  He didn't want to take sides....but I wish that if he believed her judgment was wrong that he would have told her so...  She seems to like Nathaniel and respect his opinion.  It would have meant something to hear *him* say she was wrong...

Why....why didn't he defend me?  Does...he think I tried to rape Mr. Sakurazaki too?... 

I knew it.  I knew since the moment I met the man years ago.  There was no way I could possibly serve under him.

I remember the April 4th event.  He had chosen to do a 'presentation', which seemed more like an excuse for him to kill someone in front of everyone gathered.  I tried to mask my anger.  The fool had shown nothing of real knowledge.  He was just a bloody monster.

He was the reason I decided against taking up residence in Promise.  I had other options for helping the family, and I didn't need to deal with clashing opinions on how to deal with the Shadowlands and all things in it.  I was always curious though, about the city, about its wraiths and other beings.  I was eventually compelled to come back.

Funnily enough, my timing was at first perfect.  He was not head necromancer at the time, given he was not able to attend gathers as often.  And then he disappeared for a few months, along with a few other elders of the city.  I was able to go about business my way, despite the idiocy surrounding me.  But he eventually came back.  And with the changing of Dons, he was given back the position of head necromancer, at the recommendation of Prefect Vincenzo.

Idiot! >.<

The man at first did not notice me, did not even recognize me.  But when we tried to investigate a skin-rider spectre, he noticed me.  He saw me interact with Jonathan, and was 'disgusted', because unlike most in this damn family, I treat wraiths same as I would any mortal or vampire.  My humanity is my strength, and yet he chooses to see it as weakness.

Things came to a head at this last gather.  Prefect Vincenzo had made a careless decision, bringing an artifact into the Shrine at Oroboros that put the family wraiths there at risk.  I insisted it be moved elsewhere, but was denied.  I tried then to see if I could get the wraiths to move elsewhere.  But then he came, that bastard, insisting that I use necromancy and force them to leave.  I was caught.  He was my superior, and yet I did not want to obey.  I know that they would have left by my words alone, if he had shut up and let me try.  I did not have to be a bloody asshole like him, damn it!  Seeing that I wouldn't obey, he tried to dominate me....and I snapped.  My beast raged and I would have surely tried to attack him had Prefect Vincenzo not calmed me with his own powers.  He insulted me and demanded I leave.  Don Bertado also told me to leave, reprimanding me for questioning elders and not obeying my superiors.

This was what I had tried to avoid those years ago.  And I am not interested in continuing to suffer being under that monster's thumb any longer.

I may have a way out of that.  A way that will let me continue to assist here....and put me in a better position to work with.

I'll show you, Timas.  I'll show you just how wrong you are about everything.

Well, as I've not been in a vampire mood, I didn't feel a need to note this as IC or not. But, in not LARPing, I have been playing a game sorta like the ones I played my last years of high school and early college.

RetroMUD

Now, I'm not a fan of hack'n'slash by any means, but what's attracted me to the game is the fact that I have been able to roleplay with a few people on there. That's part of what I'm wanting to write about here, just to have the storyline I've been experiencing on the record and out of my head.

( The story... )

Clearly, absence has shown that this is not a blog where I put all of my thoughts and concerns in addition to what character journals I used to post. With a lot of change having passed over, I guess I felt I wasn't really needing to say anything to anyone here. And yet, here I am, tempted to write, partly for boredom, partly for curiosity. So...let me pretend here, for a moment.

I've not been very content with how things have gone. In the LARPs, in my relationship with Brett, in my physical health... At this point, I don't feel like things are improving. But each situation has its own circumstance, so I'll take one at a time.

~ Health ~

When I returned from Atlanta, back in late September/early October, I felt like something had stuck with me throughout the trip and back. Coughing that became frequent, a shortage of air in my lungs, to where I felt like I couldn't speak or that I was barely breathing. I was reluctant to see a doctor, figuring it must be some bad bronchitis, that I just needed some *real* rest away from work. But it wasn't helping, since there were only so many days in a row I could take without needing a doctor's note. Near October's end, I caved in and went to a doctor, and they also thought that it was bronchitis, and prescribed me an antibiotic to take.

It wasn't quite working right, though. Whenever I was due to take a dose, I'd feel breathless again, having to use the Albuterol inhalers the doctor also provided. As we reached November's end, having finished up the anitbiotic over a week prior, I again caved in to see a doctor.

This time around, they gave me a corticosteroid, Prednisone, to take for 10 days, and referred me for a Pulmonary Function exam. The Prednisone worked well in the sense that it not only restored my breathing far better than the antibiotic, but I felt like my usual nasal allergy problems had been calmed as well. I was completely clear! But with that gift came a price. The Prednisone had my stomach turned all the way to 11. It would grumble more often, and I felt incredibly hungry all day long. And I often succumbed to its cries. -.-

Eventually, the Prednisone wore off, and the cravings along with it. I didn't hear from my doctor about the results of the exam, and pondered if it was because there was nothing wrong. I thought this right up until February...when the breathing problem started to come back.

I went to see my doctor for a third time. They confirmed the new idea that had been forming in my mind, that I had asthma, based on the results of the exam. So, I got another 10 day dose of Prednisone, along with some prescription medicine to tackle my nasal allergies. At the end of this month, they're going to follow up and see if that helps keep the asthma down. But...I can't help wondering if my weight gain has brought on even more issues. It's something I plan to bring up when I see her again.

~ Brett ~

If you don't know by now, Brett ended up losing his job the day after Thanksgiving. Which means that since then, I've been supporting him financially. Given the absences I was taking due to my illness, and the lack of paid sick time, my pay was being worn very thin, let alone my sanity and patience. While I've been able to go to work better now, I've had to take on the full burden of rent, now that my sister has moved out with her own boyfriend. I was only recently able to afford restoring the cable, which had been shut down in October. Our cellphones were deactivated then too, since Brett had run up the bill by calling so many people while he was driving for his job. I've had them sitting on hold, since the bill is over $1000...and there's still a court fine I've got to pay by May.

So, you can imagine that I've been frustrated with Brett's inability to find a job. He tells me that he has nowhere to go if I were to kick him out, that even his mother won't help him. And I'm caught between wanting to be free of the burden, and not wanting to abandon him, as I wouldn't want to be abandoned if I were in his position. Lately I've tried an agreement of having him in essence working for me, helping to clean up the apartment while I'm at work. I don't feel like he does much while I'm gone though. I end up hounding him through the weekend to do more, helping a bit to get him going. I know that once the major tasks are done, I'll be pressed to make a decision again.

In all honesty, I know that what holds me back is myself. I don't want to be a bitch in anyone's eyes. I don't want to be the one in the wrong in anyone's eyes. I shouldn't give a crap about that, but I do... I feel like "Do unto others" has been drilled into my brain, and that if I kick him out, then a person would have as much right to do the same to me. And I don't want that either. It's stupid logic, but it's what I feel.

It's time to head home, I'll add the LARP bits later.

The weeks that led up to last weekend's La Sangre game were nice. It felt good not having to think about any game, to just enjoy my trip to Atlanta. My friends from the online community, for which I coordinated the gather there at Anime Weekend Atlanta, were wonderful company. In returning back to LA, I realize it's a form of friendship I lack here at home.

A lot of apathy has developed for the games. I'll admit that it was hard for me to want to return to La Sangre, even though with all things considered, it is the better of the 3 games I've attended. I just wondered if I could get back into the swing of "young vamp trying to grow in a Camarilla world" Matilda. I think her receiving the job of Personal Assistant of Sorts helped a bit. It's a shit job in game, but it allowed me to feel like Matilda was interacting a little more, and allowed me to listen in on certain conversations IC. I think going to the next game will be a little easier, but I do hope they'll bring it back into Glendale soon.

The OC game seems to be completely cut off from La Sangre. I liked my Ventrue, but I really hate the way the game is going down there. There's a difference between being an evil Prince and a stupid Prince, and the guy that plays Rook continues to seem more of the latter. And Sean just doesn't want to say no to anyone, especially since many of those guys are his friends. I've heard some secrets OOC, and I am just stunned. Thankfully, Brett isn't wanting to head down there anymore either. I wonder if they'll still be trying to join OWBN in December. It sounds like that's up for debate right now....I dunno.

And there is still the Sabbat game. It's becoming harder and harder to think I can go to the game and not feel like panicking with anxiety. I guess it can be said that I brought it on myself. In trying to speak for Brett, I now no longer know what most people from there must think of myself. I deleted Quentin's email when I realized he had it on his lj as well, but I've noticed he's removed me from his list, so now I can't remember its detail. I still have my reply that I emailed to him, which I've been tempted to put here since then. But the time for that has past. I'm left deciding whether I can honestly go back to the game. Seeing Quentin's email made me reluctant to go to the pack's downtime before my trip, and with recent relationship issues with Brett, I can't help feeling anxious about what Rodie must think, as I know Brett has talked to him about it. I just don't feel welcome.

There's been banter between Brett and I about people being able to separate IC and OOC drama at game, but I don't think he understands what I mean. My problem isn't that I think people would do shit to me as their characters IC because OOC they have problems with me. My problem is, if I know or believe that someone has problems with me, Serena, I'm not gonna want to deal with those thoughts swimming in my brain by having that person in front of me. If people don't like each other, they don't hang around each other. Why force it for a game? Maybe if I felt more into it, I'd try and tough it out, but...it's not worth it to me. Aside from being out of the loop and feeling like I've not figured the genre out, there's all this social anxiety piling up against what interest I had in the game. Brett will no longer be there...I've got no support to help me go.

I went to these games to try and make friends. But that feeling of not fitting in has never left me, even in the times that I was having coterie gathers. I still feel like I don't fit in... -_-

This initially started as a comment, but got so long that I decided to just write it here instead. This is in response to this entry by Killiene. This is stuff that should be discussed, so I don't mind having it out in the open.

~*~*~

Killiene, when Brett has talked to me about it, he has never mentioned anything about an item card issue. It's mainly been that he feels Theo is a powergamer and seeks attention, which from where I stand I can't be sure if it is or is not the case. I know with Theo's recent character bringing up questions about the domain in the LA game, Brett couldn't help wondering if it was in part for OOC reasons. Again, I don't know if it is, but I can understand why he might feel that way. It's one of the examples he has given me.

And I have to admit that I feel a little hurt that you think Brett's reaction to Theo is possibly because of whatever happened after the break up between him and Char. He's never said anything about feeling offended that Char took an interest in Theo. If anything, I think the only thing he's been bothered by is thinking that your relationship with Theo might have allowed for some bias. I had asked him to tell you his feelings before the Gio-combat game, but that didn't happen.

I didn't realize until last night that you had sent a letter to my Myrna Keagen address, as I've not had to use it in over a month. And while I understand that you're not obligated to motivate Brett to do anything, I think that someone should have called someone, or said "Lets meet up and have a chat". I told him to do that, I suggested it to you, but you each had your reluctance and reasoning for not doing so. And in the end that just made things sink further and further.

Brett is not a bad person. The biggest problem was that the game came to a point where he was no longer Gung Ho about it as he has become toward the LA Cam game. Marck was unable to show up to act as ductus, which had him acting in a position he wasn't planning to be for his priest character. Theo did things as his character that seemed to reflect the image Brett had of him, drawing attention and doing powergame maneuvers. When Brett tried to run the Gio-combat that was asked of him, things became a bit chaotic because of how many were involved. Theo tried stepping in to help, and I'm sure that bothered Brett, let alone the negative feedback given by you to him the following Sunday. I think that just sent everything down hill. He no longer had good feelings in thinking about coming to game or planning for it.

The LA game has now begun to eat up his time and require more devotion from him now as Prince. So, it seemed clear by the end of August that he was definitely not in the mood to be AST anymore. Coming to game was partially dependent on me, because he wondered if I still wanted to play or not, as I'd been having doubts about the game since it's first night. Personal circumstances involving myself made Brett feel really unhappy all day Friday, the day of the August game. He had talked to Rodie about it, and told him we wouldn't be coming. I was sad and in tears too by the time I arrived home that evening, and after talking for a few hours, game really didn't sound like a good idea. I thought whatever Brett had told Rodie to pass along was clear enough, but in knowing it wasn't, I am sorry for that.

Brett wants to quit completely, but I am still unsure. While I've slowly come to like some of the interaction I've had with those who play as my pack, the game still has a low appeal. I'm still trying to measure it's worth, especially since it means I'd be coming alone. I deal with social anxiety before game, and sadly even when I go to gathers at your place. Brett has been my crutch to try and deal with it, to help me get past the initial fear and just go. It'll be harder now, because I know Brett will not want to come, to avoid awkward or unwelcome feelings. It already is weighing in on my thoughts of attending the downtime gather this Sunday that is planned for my pack.

Planning for a gather to Atlanta that's scheduled the weekend of game doesn't help either. I've been putting a lot of time, effort and money into putting this event together. I imagine that after the trip, I can make some more concrete decisions about the game. Right now, I'm really unsure, and am glad to have the 2 weekends away from the OC and LA Cam games to do something fun and out of the norm for me.

I'll let someone know about Sunday....but I do hope that I can convince Brett to call you sometime, or that maybe you'd be willing to make that call.

The OC game seemed like such a bust. I had bad vibes even before Brett and I picked up Dan and drove down. A chunk of people were gonna be at Strategicon in LAX, or were out of town elsewhere. So it didn't surprise me to find that the night's attendance was small indeed. And when the person playing Sir Richard Menzies stated that Prince Rook was planning for people to join in a big Sabbat raid, I shook my head and knew I wouldn't be staying long. After passing along a message from my sister's character and talking with Aurelius, we left straight to get dinner at Spire's, then headed home. Was probably a good thing too, as I was starting to already feel tired driving.

Matilda had an interview with Prince Cross about possibly becoming his assistant. While both my character and I would like the job, I'd hate for everyone to assume it was because of OOC bias rather than actual roleplay. He's still got to talk with Roe's assamite, Henri, and possibly Tallon's childe Lilly before making his decision, but seemed comfortable enough to mention IC that he thought Imani might be more suitable as the 'Pepper Mill', or the go-to person for relations between the Camarilla and the Anarchs. Wednesday will be the deciding day.

After the upcoming LA game, Brett and I will be out for the two remaining Cam games of the month, and the Sabbat game too, I now realize. The 18th we'll be at the KROQ Inland Invasion 4: Flashback to the Future, which at this point would make the OC game seem a small loss. The following week, Brett and I will be heading to a convention out in Atlanta, where some online friends of mine are due to meet. So Thursday through Monday we'll be gone, missing the Sabbat and LA game. I think Brett could use the break, though he's considered at least taking calls those nights while in Atlanta. Rack up those roaming charges...

Circumstances are in a weird place with Brett and I right now. I've hurt him a lot, and yet he still tries to take it and keep going with me. I feel guilty that it doesn't impress me as strongly as it should... I should be grateful. But I'm just tired, and that feeling of a lack of satisfaction has just been growing. After this month, I'd like to see some change...

This weekend has been some emotional potholes for me. So much going on...

As Friday reared it's ugly head, I wondered whether Brett would or would not attend the Sabbat game. Already frustrated with the circumstances of last game, Marck having troubles being present as ductus, and feeling of little use to others, it seemed that if I didn't feel like going, he would likely stay home with me. It didn't help to have a spike of drama take place when we both came home from work that day. I don't want to get into details, but Brett was very kind and enduring, given that most would just be mad at the situation. He was just sad, and hurt, as I was feeling.

When it was apparent that we weren't coming, Quentin ended up calling our cell phones. I didn't want to listen in on his conversation with Brett, so I stepped away into another room, thinking, "He's not the one who should be calling." And honestly, I don't think it really mattered whether *I* showed up or not, and Brett said he had mentioned to Rodie that we likely weren't going to game. Ah well...there's time between now and the next game to make a final decision on things.

What's really been grating on my mind involves Joe and the situation with the storyline for his character, Sidney Bowles, now Tony Blake.

( Read at your own risk... )

I see the comments coming, so feel free to do so...

So, in reflection, Matilda is doing alright, a work in progress. I realized how hindered my interaction with others was in the past, since I'd had no excuse to meet others while as Myrna (at least not once Myrna had been immersed in so much drama crap). It was fun to approach others in my youthful manner. I'm sure I looked silly. I think one of the most interesting moments was having Rhaat approach me, look at my Ryo-Ohki backpack (from Tenchi Muyo) and ask, "Does your backpack turn into a spaceship?" It still makes me laugh, remembering that conversation.

Maria is also a work in progress, right through the swamp of a game that is OC. Roe's Ventrue character Aurelius is yet another thorn in my side in the issues regarding Prince Rook's insult to my character and his inability to take honesty, even when he asks for it. I was clenching fists and teeth while I stood silent, Sammy, Aurelius, and Albert Epstein (our primogen) talking with the Prince, who couldn't remember my exact words in my letters to him. He was twisting words around so much I wanted to hit him! SOOOOO badly! He needs to go. The idiot needs to go. Oh, and that Assamite tard along with him. I couldn't believe that bullshit that occurred just before end game. Stupid stupid stupid.

Brett and I were talking a little bit about Avernus. It's tough when the game is only once a month. Not that I don't understand why it's only once a month, but the momentum just gets knocked down everytime. The last few games I've debated going...it's like the chore you don't get into until you do it. I think Brett's been losing the groove too... I dunno.

Anyway, haven't felt the urge to write with Matilda yet, and while Maria has had some beefs worth venting about, I feel better doing it OOC for now. I need to get an lj icon of Chiyo-chan being pissed. I think it'll be more suitable for my OOC moments.

So...since there was so much time between Myrna's death and the next LA game, Brett suggested to make new characters to go and play in the OC game. We made two Italian East Coast Ventrue, with our friend Dan complimenting with an older Jewish Ventrue. The few days between character creation and game were promising. Dan and Brett were quite hilarious to watch argue as Marv and Sammy. And then, we arrived at the game.

Things were a bit rough around the edges. While pleasant to the eyes, the game site had the unfortunate lack of light once the sun was down. There were very few places to sit as well, which made it achy to stand after some hours. But truly, my biggest beef is with the band of boys that Josh and Sean allowed to set up as a court.

This game is eventually due to join OWBN. And yet, they have yet to set aside territory for the 7 Ventrue that showed up, they have an Assamite acting as Seneschal, a Prince claiming to offer diablerie as reward for fighting the Sabbat, a Keeper who claims he doesn't have to remain at an Elysium when a gather is called there (especially when he'd prefer to go off and fight instead)...this truly raised some eyebrows for me and Brett.

What's really bothering me (much as I know it shouldn't) is the recent slap in the face I took from that damn Prince. It was hitting on my still recovering wounds from Myrna. The fucking Keeper wasn't present to stop my idiot Catholic obsessed clan mate from attacking a Malkavian Elder, nor to stop that idiot Setite that tried to run away with said clanmate after he had managed to stake him. So before the fucking snake made his last steps to free escape, I shot at him. And the Prince starts talking like I made just as big a mistake as my clan mate. Really annoying. >.<

It wasn't easy, when I had to stand as Myrna those nights ago, hearing the other Tremere decide whether banishment to some desolate location or death was an ideal punishment for me, hearing them ignore my attempts to speak at first then chide me when I chose to remain silent. While it shouldn't have really hurt me, it did. And it still hurts. I wasn't expecting to receive such crappy treatment so soon...that's what I said to Brett when he saw me upset last night. "It's too soon..."

I'm hopeful this coming game with Matilda will be more pleasant. Less idiots to deal with...